Starting Again
by Frankie McStein
Summary: Will Hawkeye regret his memories? Or will he be given a second chance? *songfic*


Disclaimer- If I owned them, don't you think I'd be a hell of lot richer than I am now?  
  
The song in this is Didn't We Love' It's on Coyote Ugly, I forget who it's by. The bits in the *'s are the lyrics. I know it wasn't around while Hawkeye was this idea grabbed me and wouldn't leave off until it was written.  
  
Starting Again  
  
  
Hawkeye sat back in his chair as the song started playing and sighed. Charles had always enjoyed listening to music. The thought of Charles upset the peace that was in his blue eyes. She was probably married to Charles by now. Two years and no word. Everyone else had kept in touch, even Henry's family wrote to him regularly. Andrew often phoned to talk over his problems. But not even a single letter from her.  
  
  
*Quarter moon,  
Always makes me think of you,  
Are you thinking of me too,  
When you see it shine?*  
  
  
Quarter moon?' he thought dismissivley. Every thing makes me think of her.'   
And everyone seemed to have noticed. Even in his letters his distraction seemed to be showing. In her last letter Erin had made sure to let him know that her father was always happy to hear from him and more than willing to talk with him about anything.  
  
Hawkeye's eyes slipped closed as his memories washed over him. Her smile, her laugh, all the more precious for it's rarity, her eyes, that always seemed to be deep enough for him to drown in.  
  
He had fallen in to them once, and he was still struggling to find the shore.  
  
  
*It's kind of sad,  
But I'm smiling, imagine that,  
Coz we were lucky to have what we had,  
If only for a time.*  
  
  
A night isn't a time.' It was an eternity compared to how long he had imagined he would ever have had. But it wasn't long enough to compare to the eternity that he was facing now.   
A phone call, a letter, even a rumour would be enough,' he thought, almost desperately.  
  
But no word had been forthcoming.  
  
  
*Didn't we set the nights on fire?  
Did ever a flame burn any higher?  
Wasn't it so sweet?  
Wasn't it, didn't we love?*  
  
  
He had loved. He still did love. But did she? Had she? He had thought so once. But now, now he just didn't know. The memories continued to pour over him, and he continued to let them, even though each one seemed to be tearing at his heart.  
  
He didn't have the strength to stop the memories. Same as he hadn't had the strength to stop himself falling in love.  
  
  
*It's ok,  
Sometimes I just get this way  
I can't forget you anyway,  
I wouldn't even try.*  
  
  
He had tried. He had tried so hard, for so long. But it hadn't worked. Just as he thought he was getting away from her, something would jog his memory, and it would all come flooding back.  
  
And I used to think I could swim,' he though wryly, knowing the tide of time would keep pulling until he stopped floating and was dragged under.  
  
It had already pulled them apart, without even letting them get together.  
  
  
*I'd rather fall,  
Then never to have flown at all,  
It was heaven after all,  
If only for a time.*  
  
  
Heaven. Maybe that was where they would meet again. He wondered briefly if it would be a long time, and who would be there first, but his mind wanted to think of other things. His mind wanted to think of time spent with her. He knew exactly how much each memory would hurt. He also knew that they were impossible to avoid; he had thought of them so often they were burnt in to his brain.  
  
She was burnt in to his brain. First and last he thought of her.  
  
  
*Didn't we set the nights on fire?  
Did ever a flame burn any higher?  
Wasn't it so sweet?  
Wasn't it, didn't we love?*  
  
  
He burned for her. A flame in his soul that was being fed by his heart.   
How a thing that is empty can feed anything I'll never know.'  
But still he knew it was true. As long as he thought about her, he couldn't forget her. And as long as he couldn't forget her, he would think about her. It was the most vicious circle he had ever been trapped in. He wanted to leave the cycle, but he knew he couldn't.  
  
  
*Oh, didn't we have it all back then?  
Will I feel that way again?*  
  
  
He wouldn't. She probably already did. If she had ever felt any thing for him anyway. He refused to think hate was all she felt towards him, but he couldn't escape the coolness in her eyes, that shone through even in his dimmest memories.  
  
  
*Didn't we set the nights on fire?  
Did ever a flame burn any higher?  
Wasn't it so sweet?  
Wasn't it, didn't we love?*  
  
  
Sweetness didn't come in to it. She was never sweet, that was one of a million things he loved about her. She never needed anyone or anything the way his very being was telling him he needed her.  
  
I wonder if anyone has made her feel this?' he thought as the pain he was feeling increased with every beat of his weeping heart.  
  
  
*Isn't it bittersweet?  
Isn't it, didn't we love?*  
  
  
The door bell sounded, shaking him out of his thoughts.  
All for the best,' he told himself as he left his chair.  
  
  
  
He stood frozen by the sight and sound of her for a while before remembering he had a voice too.  
  
  
  
Everything he felt for her was there in his voice, and everything she felt for him was there in her eyes. Eyes that he knew so well, that were now brimming with tears and shinning with love.  
  
As he stood there watching her smiling nervously and listening to her muttering a hello, Hawkeye realised the song he had been listening to had ended, and another had just started.


End file.
